The sadness of anniversary dates...

Josh with brothers Jacob & Isaac 1996 (photo by Pat Jarrell Shortt)

By the calendar, tomorrow, September 13th, marks two years since Steve and I were told that our son, Josh, was murdered. By the days of the week, I think of the second Friday of September and remember sitting in our family room after hearing on the news that Matt Johnson - one of the last known people to have seen Josh - had been kidnapped. There were anxious calls with sisters Sue and Marty, as well as friend Lynn, speculating if Josh had also been kidnapped as we searched for answers about his disappearance. I remember sitting here, working up the courage to call Tim Horne at the Orange County Sheriff's Department to see if there was any connection between Matt's kidnapping and Josh and then when I did make the call, was unable to reach him. All of us were on pins and needles trying to get to the bottom of a connection, feeling very emotional and maybe even on a psychic level, knew there had to be a connection but were getting no answers. It had been nearly two months since we last saw Josh. We were consumed with worry. By the time I actually did get Tim on the phone late in the day, he was upset with me for interrupting his interrogations and since he had never met or spoken to me, only to Steve, he insisted on speaking with Steve, which added insult to injury to me. He explained that he was not going to jeopardize an ongoing investigation by giving out unauthorized information to someone he didn't know and promised he would call if and when he had any information for us pertaining to Josh.  Later that evening he called back to apologize for his abruptness. He said he had been up for several days with little to no sleep trying to get a break in the case and he was very sorry for taking out his frustration on us and wanted to assure us he was intensely searching for Josh and felt he'd have some answers for us very soon.

The next morning, Steve and Isaac hit the road for Smith Mountain Lake to go work on the sailboat. I had plans to go to my friend Cely's house to work on making pottery along with a few members of my parent group from work, Georgia, Amy and Rob. I knew it would be a good distraction for me. Just as I was heading out the door around 9:00 a.m., Tim Horne called. He said he wanted to come by because he had a few more questions to ask about Josh. I asked if Steve needed to be here and he said it would be helpful if he were but if he was out of town, Tim still needed to come talk to at least me. He said he'd be over within the next 15 or 20 minutes. I called Steve and told him Tim was on his way over because he had more questions. Steve was near Danville, VA and decided to turn around and come home.

I called Cely to let her know I would be late, put on a pot of coffee, let the dogs out and decided to go sweep the front porch while waiting for Tim. I began sweeping and knocking down cobwebs and had my back to the road when I caught a glimpse of someone's car pulling into the driveway. A minute later, Tim approached the front porch, introducing himself and apologizing, again, for his abruptness the day before. As I reached out to shake his hand, I noticed someone following 20 feet behind him and before glancing up I instantly thought it was a fellow officer. When I actually turned my eyes to see his companion, my smile dropped as my mouth opened. He had brought our pastor, Ray Warren, along with him. My knees buckled as Tim and Ray helped me and I kept saying, "No...no...no...no..." I knew if Ray was with him it was the worst of all imaginable news.

They helped me into the house and Tim began to tell me what he knew. He had been up all night, but it wasn't until much later that we learned why.  Tim said that his investigation took him to a grave near Jordan Lake but the body was too decomposed to make a positive ID. He came to me to get the name of Josh's dentist because they were going to have to confirm identification by dental records. I held onto hope that it was all a mistake and this wasn't Josh they found as I gave him the contact info for Dr. Lenise Clifton. He called her from our house and then left to meet her at the dental office while Ray stayed with me. 

Things tend to get a bit fuzzy for me from this point on. I know I tried to reach Sue, Sherry, Marty and Lynn and nobody answered their phones. I left messages and kept trying. I felt a bit peeved at Marty for not having a cell phone when I desperately needed to reach her. I had no idea how long it would take Steve to get home and I wanted to scream, faint, crawl into a hole or get drunk - any of it - all of it - the whole time hoping for good news but my gut was telling me, "This is very bad."  I vaguely remember finally reaching Sue on her cell and just telling her to get everybody over here as soon as possible.

Somewhere in between, Georgia, Amy and Rob showed up at the house with Cely to check-in on me. Apparently, someone from the church had let them know I had received heartbreaking news. They came to keep me company until family arrived. I can't remember who arrived first, my sisters or Lynn, but I remember everyone being present. I don't remember if Lynn got there with Devin or came alone. Like I said, much of this is blurry to me but they are details that aren't really important.  I think Steve arrived either just before or just after Tim Horne returned and delivered the news that confirmed Josh's dental records. I can't remember.

What I do remember is my family, friends and church rallying to love and support us that day, as well as the following weeks and months that followed. They still do. I have little memory of the week that followed or of Josh's memorial service. I remember Pastor Ray calling friends for us. I remember calling my friend Pearl and not being able to finish the conversation, but she showed up at my door all the way from Florida the next evening with her son, Rick and his wife, Jen. I remember Andy, Carla, Philip and Marla being with us everyday for a long time, holding us up, making sure we had nourishment. I remember Gail and Samantha showing up on Sunday morning with food and hugs, stepping in to take Isaac and provide him entertaining distractions while we laid in bed, exhausted and in tears. I remember wishing my mother was able to be with me and hating the cancer that consumed her body and prevented her from making the trip from Florida to be where I knew she wanted to be and glad that she exerted her influence to send my dad in her place. I appreciated the presence of all our siblings being present, along with several cousins - Debby, Patty and Debbie, as well as aunts Carol and Judy and uncle Ben. Our friends the Fortners, Susan and Andrew Schrank, Carole and Charles Ensign, came from parts around the southeast to be here for the memorial service but I remember very little about spending time with them. And there were my co-worker, Linda, and boss Mark, who checked on us every day, as well as Cindy, Rob, my FAN-PAC, and tons of other friends both far and near, too many to mention here, but whose presence and kindness brought us great comfort. Through all of the sadness the one thing that has been demonstrated to us repeatedly is that we have a network of people who love us and for that, we feel truly blessed. We know you can't heal our pain, but you have done a good job of sharing it with me and Steve. Maybe it's this distribution of the pain to all of you that lifts enough weight from us so we are able to get up each morning and carry on with our lives and taking care of Isaac and Jacob.

Today, on this second anniversary of the date we received the horrifying news, I want to thank each of you for hanging in there with us. We might not be good at always letting you know this, but we love you very much and thank God each day for having you in our lives. You have been our strength and encouragement on days when we felt our weakest and as though we couldn't go on. Thank you for being there. Thank you for not letting Josh's memory die with him. Thank you for feeling that despite his personal demons and struggles, he had goodness and potential. Thank you for feeling as indignant as we feel when idiots in the media focus on the negatives in his life. Thank you for helping us remember that Josh was a likable, fun-loving person who could make us laugh and enjoyed simple things in life, like country music, fishing, riding a bicycle, playing board games, taking walks, sharing time with family, helping neighbors, or eating a bowl of pinto beans with cornbread. Mostly, thank you in advance for standing beside us as we wait for the slow process of justice for Josh. Two years seems like an eternity when you are waiting for trials to begin. Let's hope they begin and end, soon.

Love to all...julie