Remembering Colleen and other 4-legged friends

Colleen

Yesterday, my sister Marty had to euthanize her dog, Colleen, who had become increasingly ill over the last six months. Colleen was about 14 years-old, a border collie who Marty rescued from a flea market puppy mill several years back. I remember when Marty first brought her home and what sad shape the dog was in. Colleen had nursed so many puppies in her short lifespan her teats nearly dragged the floor. She looked miserably uncomfortable and was extremely skittish.

Colleen didn't seem to like other people very much in the early days. She cowered at the slightest movement of people around her and noises made her shiver. She snipped at my kids when they couldn't heed Marty's warnings about, "Let her come to you rather than you approaching her because she's not used to people and she might bite you." Marty worked hard to teach her socialization skills and it worked wonders. Colleen grew into the sweetest dog and was a comforting companion for my sister. She eventually learned to tolerate my boys and allowed them to pet and hug on her in a short time. Marty loved the good nature of the breed and eventually adopted another border collie, Frodo. I imagine that Frodo is missing his beloved Colleen today just as much as Marty misses her. It's a sad passing. I hurt for my sister and the grief I know she's experiencing.

All of my siblings seem to have a genuine affection for animals today, but I'm not sure where that comes from since our parents were never keen on pets when we were growing up. Personally, I've always leaned more towards cats ever since childhood but being married to a dog person has helped me to cultivate a passion for canines, too. Some 30 years ago, Steve and I had to leave our long-haired cat, Sydney, with mom and dad for awhile. Dad wasn't very happy about the idea but one day he witnessed a neighbor's Irish Wolfhound preparing to take another dump in his yard and just as the dog was sniffing for a good spot, Sydney jumped out of the bushes and chased the Wolfhound down the road, tail between his legs. From that moment on, dad said that Sydney was always welcome in his house. Maybe that was a turning point for dad in regards to how he viewed family pets. Dog-hating Sydney passed away around age 8 from a brain tumor, but I will never forget him. We currently have two beagles, Judy and Beetle, and one cat, Otis. Past animals in our 34 years of married life have mostly died from old age related illnesses like sweet Colleen. Thunder was our English Springer Spaniel whom we adopted when he was four years-old and laid to rest when he was 17. Wickett was our miniature poodle-maltese mix who was given to us at age five weeks by Steve's sister Debbie. Wickett passed away a few years ago at the age of 18. Our girl kitty, Kiki, died from old age illness when she was 19 and Tipper was 13 when he had to be euthanized after being bit by a rabid bat a few years ago. I still feel grief over the loss of these furry friends whom we always considered to be members of the family.

Before Steve and I adopted our children I remember my mother kept encouraging us to "have children" because she felt we were spending too much money on our animals between vet bills, grooming, treats, obedience lessons, etc. She didn't see the logic in it and felt if we were going to spend this much money, love and attention on something, "...it should be kids!" A few years after we adopted our three children, mother commented, "It might have been cheaper if you had stuck with raising animals!"

I have witnessed a change in my parents attitude about pets over the years. Even though they never chose to adopt pets of their own, they welcomed each of our dogs or cats with warmth and care. They consoled us whenever one of our furry family members passed away. My youngest sister, Mary, lives in the same county as my parents and each time she visited she has carted both dogs with her, without hesitation and without resentment from my folks. When Mary's chocolate lab, Willow, passed away in recent years, both of my parents were sad for Mary's loss and often reflected on what a good dog Willow was and how they missed her. Now that my mom has passed away, Mary still takes Tucker over when she visits with dad a few times a week and perhaps the biggest surprise of all is when she leaves Tucker at his house. Dad says she leaves Tucker for him to "dog-sit," but when I've talked to him on the phone some of those times he is constantly tossing the ball for Tucker to fetch, laughing at what fun the two are having and telling me how smart Tucker is. I'm thinking that Mary leaves Tucker there to dad-sit rather than dad doing the dog-sitting. Either way, they seem to be great company for one another.

At the risk of sounding morbid, I have to share that we still have the cremains of Thunder, Wickett, Kiki and Tipper in our house. It was always our plan to have a family pet cemetery - somewhere. Last year we finally dedicated a Jarrell family cemetery on brother Mark's farm in West Virginia and one of these days I intend to bury my beloved animals right beside my son, Josh. They were his pets, too, and it will give me comfort to know they are all together, resting quietly beside my mother, June, and my brother, Stephen. I don't know if Marty will bring Colleen's cremains or if Mary will bring Willow's to the mountain, but I hope they do. There's something comforting about having these special family members with us forever.

For those of us who elevate our pets to family status, losing them is a crushing blow. After the death of a pet many of us eventually bring home a new furry companion which others mistakenly think is a futile effort to replace what we've lost. While I am one of those people who has brought home a new dog or cat a few months after the death of an old one, I never feel I am trying to replace anything because they are as irreplaceable as a child would be. When I finally bring home a new feline or canine addition to the family after one dies it's simply because I'm ready to open my heart again even though the feelings of grief and loss for the former pet never really leave. I still feel love over the laughter and good times I had with Thunder, Wickett, Kiki, Tipper and the others - and I know Marty will feel that way, too, if she ever chooses to bring home a new family member for herself and Frodo.

I'm sorry for your loss of Colleen, Marty. It makes me cry to think of her being gone and of the grief I know you are feeling. I wish I had a magic wand to make you feel better but all I can give you is hugs. Love you!

P.S. To all of you who have experienced the passing of a family pet, especially my cousin Debbie and friend Pearl who have each lost more than one this year, I offer my heartfelt condolences. I hope you will share some of your own pet stories in the comments section below.

Life in the FB era...

Okay. I am compelled to make a confession. I have a love-hate relationship with Facebook. I've been a member for over two years and there have been periods of time when I go several weeks without signing-in to read posts or play games. Likewise, there are times when I keep the page open in my tabs for days on end, checking and re-checking to see what comments were posted in the past hour.

I say "love-hate relationship" because there are things I really love about FB and things I really hate.

My hate list includes having to scroll through all of the postings from friends who are moving up levels in different games or requesting game assistance (sorry - I know I was once guilty of this myself and while I still play two online games via FB, I now manage to click 'skip' when the prompt suggests that I 'tell friends' about my lame achievement). Other things on FB I dislike include:

• all of the invitations to different causes (events aren't as objectionable but it's too difficult to keep up with everyone's different cause or affiliation)
• all of the automated friend suggestions that come from FB based on friends of my friends - most of whom I either don't know or don't remember
• the constant updates and changes that occur on FB, especially when it comes to privacy implementation
• fear about virus risk from applications that are options via FB but aren't directly affiliated with FB - this includes all of the kisses, hugs, angels, etc., which are nice/thoughtful but my geek gurus inform me that these endanger your hard drive of becoming virus infected (I now do not open them but do appreciate their intended sentiment)
• flaming comments posted by friends and relatives whose philosophies or political views oppose my own, or in some cases, nearly insight me to riot (that's probably top of my list but in recent months I have decided that it really is okay to delete or hide them so I don't have to get the hairs on the back of my neck ruffled. I think this action helps to save relationships.)

What I primarily love about FB is how it has helped me to reconnect with old friends whom I haven't heard from in decades. Some of you reading this might be of the opinion that if you haven't heard from someone in many years then why bother? What could you possibly be missing? That's actually a good case statement and for those who feel this way, I'm not going to argue with you. It's a personal choice, truly. For me, however, it has been a major blessing, even connecting with some old friends whom I might not have been close to in the good old days has been exhilarating for me because it has provided me insight into who I was in my youth and who I have become today. While each of us can claim uniqueness on many levels, we are still the product of many influences during our childhood.  I am a better person today because of the people I knew and friends I had in my past. Thankfully, like most of my old friends, I've matured beyond my high school and college years. Heck - I think it's safe to say that I've matured beyond the person I was even just last year. Maybe it's a natural evolutionary process, genetic encoding, something learned through trial and error or just plain luck. It doesn't really matter. Change is imminent. And, as the Borg say, "Resistance is futile." Sometimes (especially when it involves aging) it's much harder to stop the process than it is to just go with the flow. (Did I really just use the words "mature" and "Borg" in the same paragraph? Whatwhoa!)

Family connections...2007

Reconnecting with old friends and staying connected with family across distances makes putting up with all the other FB frustrations worth the effort. It's also a great way to get information out to a lot of folks all at the same time when you need to convey something quickly. Through reading posted comments I've also been able to witness personal growth among some close friends and family members that I find noteworthy. There is something personally empowering about being able to communicate as easily with others as we can on FB. I particularly like that if/when I post a comment and have second thoughts later, I can click the 'remove' button and all traces are instantly deleted as though they never happened.Wouldn't it be nice if our tongues had a delete button?

In the realm of "If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride," delete buttons for everyday faux pas sure would make that ride more comfortable.

So, how about you? What do you hate or love about FB? Have you ever deleted or hidden a 'friend' whose posts drove you nuts - or deleted something you posted after having second thoughts? Inquiring minds want to know.  :-)

The decision to blog...

I've thought about starting a blog for a few years but life kept getting in my way and distracting me from starting. I've been enjoying reading my dad's blogspot for the past couple of years, as well as one a friend of mine writes and their ability to devote time to pen thoughts has inspired me to finally sit down and begin writing my own blog. Until I actually started clicking on the setup menu bars I had no idea what was involved in creating a  blog. First thing they ask is for you to choose a name.

Believe it or not, it's not easy to choose a title for a blog since I wasn't even sure what to write about. There are too many options and I worried about pigeon-holing myself into a set category. I had seen "Julie and Julia" and as much as I love cooking and reading recipes, I felt cooking blogs were probably overdone (no pun intended). My dad writes a great blog, Life As I Know It, in an op-ed style reflecting on his 89 years of life, his experiences having served in WWII, having retired from local politics, a former career as a journalist and his frustrations over current politics of the day (http://bfjarrell.blogspot.com/).  I've been impressed with his insight about many of today's issues and how he has succeeded in staying focused on the broader idea to get his points across. When I was a teenager I thought my dad was just an old-fashioned fuddy-duddy who knew very little about the world. It's amazing what four decades of living beyond my teenage years did to increase pop's IQ.

And that brings me back to my current dilemma: what to write about for my own blog and choosing a name that is relevant to what my blog series will reflect?

To make my decision I mentally reviewed my life experiences. As I establish my new blog, I have just celebrated my 57th birthday. I was born in West Virginia and my family moved to Florida when I was two years-old and that's where I was raised. I am one of seven children - third eldest, first daughter. I started work at age 13 at my dad's insistence and was an assistant swimming instructor for toddlers at the city Parks and Rec Department. When I was 15, he convinced the publisher of a weekly newspaper to hire me to set type and do ad layout. After high school graduation I was hired as a reporter and photographer in a bureau office for a double-daily newspaper. When I was 20, I decided to move to LA to become a famous writer. By the time I arrived the infamous writers strike of 1973 had just begun. I ended up working in a bank as a teller so I could have rent and food money. I lasted less than a year, frustrated at not being able to live up to my dream, so went home to Florida and returned to the newspaper I had left. That job didn't last too long because I began dating a co-worker and was fired for fraternization. Yes - those were the days when employers could terminate you for dating a fellow employee and it was always the female who lost their job because, after all, men had other people to support. This one had alimony and child support. I never saw him again and barely remember his name but will always remember that our relationship caused me to lose a job unfairly. I ended up moving to Tampa after being hired as a traveling photographer and this is where I met my husband, Steve, in 1976.

Since that time, most of my work has been in public relations of one type or another. I worked briefly at another two other newspapers, a medical center, an ad agency, a community theatre and when my husband and I decided to adopt a sibling group of three special needs brothers from foster care in 1996, I semi-retired to be a full time mom. In 2000, I was hired as a family advocate for our local Mental Health Association. I took a leave for about five years and returned in 2007 to provide support, education and advocacy assistance to other parents of children with special needs. I'm sure I'll cover more of this in future blogs.

So, what else do I know about that might be of help or interest to others?  I know a lot about heartbreak, definitely. In 1973 when I was 19 years old I had a child out of wedlock and relinquished her for adoption. It was a decision I felt coerced into making - lots of social and family pressure - and relinquishment in a closed records adoption system was still the trend of the day at that time. I'm glad it is not the trend of today. I searched for and found my daughter in 1996 and for a brief time we had a very good relationship. Meeting her gave me some closure about all of the secrecy that had surrounded her relinquishment. During my search years I became very involved in adoption reform issues and support for other members of the adoption triangle, which was an interesting life experience.  Going back further, however, in 1966 I lost my oldest brother, Stephen, when he was killed by a drunk driver. Steve and I also lost our oldest son, Joshua, in 2008, and my mom, June, passed in 2009. I've lost a lot of people I loved in my lifetime, so coping with grief might become a recurring theme in my blog.

As I reflect on my life there are so many things I wish I had done differently but as my mother often said, "If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride." In my youth, I never quite understood the meaning of this analogy, but as I matured, I realized she was telling me, however cryptically, that everybody can't always get what they want. Ergo, the blog title, "If Wishes Were Horses..."  There will always be things in life each of us wishes we had done differently and in my blogspot I hope to address some of those issues while also exploring alternate options. I hope you will follow me on this journey.